OUR POPULAR interview series, Cutting Edge Corner, returns this issue for another mind-changing conversation with a contemporary medical pioneer. Recently, we spent some time with Dr Wesley Farkas, board-certified family physician and medical affairs director of West Islip Pharmaceuticals. This tiny company, known for its tasteful line of nasal decongestants, is ready to revolutionize primary care with its new drug, Pilagra. Some have called it the "Philosopher's Stone of pharmaceuticals": the first drug that makes a man's hair and his penis grow at the same time.
VK: Dr Farkas, welcome to Cutting Edge Corner.
WF: Thank you, Geraldo.
VK: Like many other board-certified family physicians, I have been following the European and Japanese experience with Pilagra —an amazing experience.
WF: Indeed amazing, Geraldo. I should mention that the first human trials were actually done on Long Island.
VK: Really?
WF: Yes, Geraldo.
VK: My name isn't Geraldo.
WF: Get out of here.
VK: Really, it's not.
WF: I thought I was on Geraldo, now.
VK: I don't know how you could possibly have thought that.
WF: This is awful. I mean, I was expecting to talk to Geraldo, but instead, here you are.
VK: You don't have to be so negative about it, Dr Farkas.
WF: What if I just called you Geraldo?
VK: It's not my name.
WF: It would mean a lot to me.
VK: Fine.
WF: Thank you, Geraldo. I am very excited to share with you about this exciting new product, Pilagra, which has been exciting many people all over the world, beginning on Long Island.
VK: Was it an accidental discovery, like Viagra?
WF: Yes, Geraldo, in many exciting ways. We developed it as an addition to our tasteful line of nasal decongestants, but found soon after releasing it, that barbershops from West Islip to Bay Shore were just inundated with very hairy men who were unusually happy.
VK: So, you put 2 and 2 together?
WF: Not right away. Not until my brother-in-law got a bad cold and wanted something for it.
VK: So, how did the FDA approve the drug?
WF: Geraldo, we prefer to think of it as a supplement.
VK: Have you tried it yourself?
WF: No. I don't really get colds.
VK: Yeah. So, how does it work, Dr Farkas?
WF: Geraldo, the mechanism of action is not well understood, as we say. Some evidence points to an immune-mediated phenomenon whereby it binds out evil humors that cause hair loss and impotence.
VK: Really?
WF: Oh, yes. Unless, of course, the patient simply had a hex put on him by some spooky person. In those 12% to 13% of cases, Pilagra will not work, supplementally speaking.
VK: Does it affect hair growth and erectile dysfunction equally or differentially?
WF: About neck and neck.
VK: What about precautions or unwanted side effects?
WF: Well, there have been no reported drug-drug interactions—mostly because patients forget to take their other pills. They get preoccupied. One fellow in Maine was accidentally shot by his wife when she mistook him for a very large raccoon. That's really about it. One other good thing: you breathe through your nose much better.
VK: Have women started using it?
WF: They don't have penises. Freud made a very big thing over that.
VK: I mean as a hair-restoring and libido-enhancing agent.
WF: Supplement. No, Geraldo, but we have a very exciting tie-in fragrance. It's called "Excitement."
VK: Does it have pheromones in it?
WF: Like what bugs make? No. Where's the romance in getting covered with bugs?
VK: Fine.
Next time on Cutting Edge Corner: a maverick pediatrician who says there isn't enough mercury in children's vaccines.
